Memory and Regret
by Humida
Summary: Reiner visits Marco's grave and reflects on his regrets over his past actions in regards to marco and annie.


Memory and Regret

He walks down the forest path, going deeper into the woods, his lips firm, hands curled into fist that squeeze tighter the more the lanky freckled woman talks to him. She's been nattering him for what seems like hours about Krista's wellfare and while he understands her concern, it takes all of Reiner's will not to snap at the woman or deck her in the face. Besides, he thinks, shoulders slumping, he still owes her for saving Bertholdt's life.

If not for Ymir, there'd be another grave at Reiner's feet. Another person he'd need to be visiting for his failures as a leader. So he tolerates the woman's complaints, nodding and trying to assuage her worries. It's not like he wouldn't be trying to save Krysta anyways, he likes her after all, just that this makes it a priority he has to take into account along with saving Annie. Oh gods, Annie...

He stops, putting a hand to his mouth, biting back the tears. What he said to her back then, when Marco had been pleading for his life had been too cruel. Was that really him? Did those words really come out of his mouth when he made her help in killing Marco?

He finds his limbs shaking, shoulders trembling as he holds back his tears, his teeth grit. Oh gods, what did he make her do? Is it his fault? Is it his fault she was caught and all this happened. God... Annie...

"Hey, Reiner," says Ymir in an unusually soft voice, "are you okay?"

He calms himself, realizing what he's been doing and nods, shaking himself, trying to steady his nerves.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Ymir," he says. "Hey... um... can you give me a moment? I need to do something in private."

"Private?" she says, confused. "What..."

She falls quiet then and nods, backing away. He watches her walk off and looks back towards the marker, the grave he'd set deep in the woods when no one was watching, even Bertholdt. He hadn't wanted his friend to go yapping to Zeke about it though he'd seen him coming in every so often himself to sit quietly by the marker, saying a few words in a hushed voice. He must have followed at some time, which means Zeke knows too. Why Zeke hasn't confronted him about it...

He shakes himself again, realizing he's distracted and not wanting to face what he has to do. He forces himself to walk forward and kneel before the small clearing, placing a hand on the rounded stones he'd found with the wood cross behind it, his old friend's name etched into it.

He remembers how what seems like years ago now, his friend had told him to come near the fire he'd made and treated him equally despite being on an opposing side, letting him warm himself and his team by the flames. They'd been competitors in opposing teams that day, but Marco... he'd never seen it that way. To him it had been a training exercise and points didn't matter as long as everyone was safe and well. Always smiling that sad goofy smile, being friendly to everyone and going out of his way to help others, even if his own safety could be jeopardized. And when push came to shove, and he had to prove wether his own mission came first or his friend's safety, Reiner failed. He put the mission ahead of his friend's life and watched him die. No. He's lying to himself. He didn't watch his friend die, he himself killed him, or might as well have.

He shuts his eyes, the tears flowing cooly down his cheeks.

Marco had found out about their titan forms when he'd stumbled upon a conversation between he and Bertholdt when Eren was sealing the wall and being the honest dolt he was had been, asked them about it directly rather than keep it to himself and tell others after. And when Reiner had said that it was a joke, Marco had still seemed worried but relieved. He hadn't known they were titans. He hadn't fucking known!

But Reiner hadn't been able to take that chance. He'd always known Marco to be intelligent and he couldn't take the chance that Marco'd put two and two together and figure out he was a titan. So he'd taken Marco down when he'd been trying to fly off and when Annie had shown up, he'd forced her to remove Marco's gear, show them that she was still part of the team rather than the filthy humans who'd hurt them all like this. He'd seen it, seen how Annie had started getting close to Armin and Eren, possibly jeopardizing the mission. He'd had to do it, make Annie remove his gear and help in assassinating Marco, show that the mission still came first, before people like Marco and Armin. He had to! It was for her own safety! Even though... she was crying and begging not to the whole time. Even though he knew that Zeke would kill her if he found out Annie had let Marco go. He had to make her do it!

"- Or they would have killed her!" he finds himself screaming. He cuts himself off, realizing he'd been voicing himself outwardly, then lowers his head.

"You understand, don't you?" he says, concentrating on his words. "It was you or her. How she was getting close to Armin... we could have all been killed. We..."

He lays a hand on the marker, holding the soft brittle wood in between his fingers. Zeke would have killed her if he'd found out about Marco. How the man kept looking at him and Bertholdt, despite their following the mission orders doesn't comfort him at all. He'd challenged the man earlier, trying to prioritize Annie's safety over getting that damnable key. He knows that with that key the other side can possibly get information on creating titans for their own side. But isn't Annie's safety a priority? Armin said they'd been torturing her, and with Annie's titan abilities, they could make her endure a long time and be crueler than with regular people. It wouldn't matter if she was a woman, all they'd see her as is a shifter. An enemy to be killed. How long... how long would Armin and the others participate in that abuse? How long would they keep her alive? He and Bertholdt need to get her out soon or...

He hears wood crack and sees how he's snapped the corner of the cross with Marco's name on it. He holds the piece of wood in his palm, looking it over.

"We never expected that of Armin," he says, closing his hand slowly over the piece of wood. "But you. You never were like that, were you? Even at the end, you wanted to talk. Talk it over even when we left you. Even as we watched you die..."

Tears cloud his vision, his fist squeezing the piece of wood.

"I should've protected you! Protected Annie! Damn the mission to hell! You're my friends and I abandoned you! I... I'm sorry."

He stands up slowly, turning his back on the marker.

"Marco... I know this probably means little to you at this point, but I'm going to save Annie. I've talked it over with Bertholdt and Ymir in secret, and wether the mission Zeke has now succeeds or not, I'm sending them after Annie, even if Zeke kills me in the end. It's what I owe you, the both of you..."

"Marco... I'm so sorry."

As he is about to walk out of the woods he hears the wind whistle, blowing softly over his body, ruffling his clothes, running through this hair. For a moment, only a moment, he believes he sees something. A shape like a person in the distance, watching him. Then it is gone as quickly as it appeared, the wind disappearing with it.

"Marco?" he whispers.

"Hey," says Ymir, walking up towards him. He turns to regard her. "You done?" she ask. "We should probably get going."

He opens his hand, looking at the piece of wood with part of Marco's name etched into it and closes his hand once more, pocketing the fragment.

"Yeah... let's go."

He looks back towards the grave his mouth set in a firm line.

"I promise I'll protect them, Marco. I promise."


End file.
